“Missed it by that Much”

Maxwell Smart

by Patrick Nevan

For those who came in late I had the brilliant idea to take a semi-novelty list featuring all the female Soulblight Heroes to the Lost Legion GT in Geelong.  You can read all about it here but for people without way too much time on their hands the idea was to take Neferata, Lauka Vai, Belladama, Ivya and Lady Annika in a Vyrkos list.  It wasn’t a strong enough list to win with me as the pilot but the idea was to channel the spirit of girlpower, have some fun and try to have those special unique character moments in true team up/heist movie fashion.  They all get to use their special abilities and have their spotlight moment.

TLDR:  The concept sort of nearly worked, Geelong tournaments are great and the AOS community is pretty awesome.

Pics are either my shaky cam/cheap phone efforts or taken from the organizers event page.  You can decide which are which.

I fired up the War Wagon Friday afternoon and made the trip down to Geelong to spend the weekend in an Air B&B with my comrades form the Measured Gaming Club, Tristan and Binek.  It was the second GT in Geelong this year so if you are really interested in my socio-political travelogue of the place¹ you can read about it here.  The truth is after my last tournament in the foetid shithole of Ballarat a GT in 1990’s Mogadishu would have been a welcome change of pace.

We had a serviceable pub meal and a couple of beers before heading back to the Air B&B to watch the special commentary issue of Predator² and had a pretty early night.

Day One

We arrived well before time and went through usual round of hale-fellow-well-met back slappery that accompanies any Australian AOS event.  The Geelong venue is always awesome and the Lost Legion put a lot of effort into their mats and terrain which are first class.  It is a split level venue with tables in the Mezzanine which I ascended for my first game.  Jarrad Coots, or Coooooots! as he is known gave us the now customary dire warnings about chess clocks and time keeping and we got down to  business.

Round One: Geomantic Pulse, Gene Mills (Trugg’s Trogherd), WIN 32 – 16

When we did the introductions before this one I said “Oh yeah, like Mean Gene.” but my reference to the famed wrestling commentator went exactly nowhere and it wouldn’t be the last time something fell flat and reminded me how old I am on the weekend.  Gene was a pretty new player running an all Fellwater version of Truggs Trogherd that was a pleasure to see on the tabletop.

I kind of won this one in deployment with Gene commiting too much to the castle to protect Trugg and his shrine. I was able to roll my Direwolves forward and gum up his army, holding him to nothing in turn 2.  The Fellwaters swung back into action but blobs of zombies and good ol recursion stifled them in true Soulblight Fashion and I was able to pull his army apart piecemeal and we wound up mathing it out after turn 3.

Trugg and his boys on the march later in the tournament

I’m wracking my brain for a way to say that experience won me this one that doesn’t make me sound like a patronizing douchebag, but that’s the way it goes down sometimes.  None of my Single Ladies did anything particularly noteworthy and poor Trugg didn’t even make it into combat.  Gene was not just a good opponent but a great guy to spend a couple of hours with, and we had a good chat about the game afterwards.

I had an excellent lunch at the remarkably cheap canteen and hung around until the pairings went up.  I had to move downstairs and I was making my way down carrying my stuff in its tub on my display board when I missed the second last step and took what I am assured was a pretty damn spectacular fall face first into the main hall scattering my stuff to the winds.

photo by Kerry Skarbakka³

The crowd rallied around, helped me up, picked up my stuff, the event organizers bought out the first aid kit and ice packs and my Nurse mate Tyson Gleeson bandaged up what was an oddly profuse amount of bleeding from a skinned knee.  Coooots was a model of solicitude all weekend and I was honestly a bit touched by the amount of kindness and concern I got from my fellow gamers.  Not just for myself but for my models which is one of those things only gamers could appreciate.

Amazingly despite scattering my army to the four winds I broke one Fell Bat and one Dire Wolf.  Even Nefferata, the Mortarch of Fragile Construction, came up in one piece.  I could have taken that fall 100 times and not done less damage.  Talk about lucky.

Still you know you’ve taken a bad spill when none of your mates are willing to give it the old “Did you have a nice trip routine.”⁴  I was banged up but fully mobile and pretty damned embarrassed by the whole episode so I resolved to soldier on.

Round Two: Spring the Trap, Sam Sims (Blades of Khorne), LOSS 10 – 12

I’ve actually thought long and hard about how to write this one up as it was a pretty controversial game that caused a fair amount of chatter on the weekend.  As pissed off as I was at the time, with a few days’ clear space I don’t really want to get into the he said/she said details of the thing so I’m going with the bare bones of the story.

Essentially it was a difficult game and an argument blew up over the wounds remaining on a Bloodthirster and we could not reach an agreement.  The TO was called in but at some point during the ensuing argument I realized how badly agitated I was getting over the whole mess so I forfeited the game and walked away from the table.

Lest anyone think I have suddenly developed a more mature and balanced nature, the decision was based on the fact that I wasn’t really there to win and I was beat up and in no mood for this shit.  If I had a killer list and was set on winning the event, I would still be there now banging on the table and making Coooots’ life hell.⁵

Like any battle report I’m giving my version of events. I do try to report with a degree of honesty but it’s just my recollection and opinion. For all I know my first round opponent could have thought I was the biggest cunt he’d ever met, and it wouldn’t make it in the write up unless he told me. Point being that Sam has his own side of the story but I’ve said all I’m going to.

I was tempted by a Forrest Gump “That’s all I have to say about that,” but I’m feeling a bit sensitive about my age and pivoting to current references.

Round Three: Lines of Communication, Jason Spedding (Slaanesh Pretenders), WIN 25 – 12

The last game of the day was against Jason Spedding’s Blissbarb spam list.  Jason is a great opponent and naturally upbeat enough to make being brassed up by 50 damn archers a thoroughly enjoyable experience.  Slaanesh don’t exist in my local meta so it was my first game against them and I really enjoyed their whole temptation depravity mechanic.

Sweet paintjob as well

Jason played for the double from turn one and shot up an alarming number of my summonable units on one flank.  He charged Sigvald and some Theradons into Neferata and Lauka but they more or less bounced off with Vampiric healing making up the shortfall.  I won turn 2 priority, refreshed my units and waded into his archer castle with summonables, drawing out the worst of his unleash hell with a sacrificial unit of Fellbats under the Callous Overlord battle tactic.  Jason’s turn 2 shooting could only land on summonable crap and the game was won as his expensive archers were steadily whittled away. 

Jason won third turn priority and capped his depravity but by that stage he was scraping for battle tactics and we called it bottom of turn 3.  Good old SBGL recursion had carried the day again.  My single ladies didn’t do anything too special.  Ivya Volga had a little moment leading a bunch of zombies and wolves straight into the enemy battleline and getting some quality axe work done, but the honors of the day go to Sigvald the Magnificent.  The handsomely converted Gelid Prince managed to tank Neferata and Lauka Vai for the best part of 4 turns and look amazing while he was doing it.  What a guy!

From a different game but you get the general idea

A bunch of the out of towners headed off to Clarkey’s for the traditional Geelong Saturday Night BBQ.  With the Captain stuck back at Bendigo looking after Joel McGrath’s kids it was a relatively subdued affair, but there was a solid turn out and we all had a few and talked some shit while watching the special commentary edition of The 300.⁶  We hit the road some time after eleven and I gratefully lowered my aging, battered frame into bed just after midnight.

Day Two

We were up early and in comparatively fine fettle.  After some early morning comedy hijinks with the temperature controls on the shower, Binek and Tristan headed out to the event while I took care of check out.  I loaded up the War Wagon and dutifully put the wrong address into google maps winding up on The Esplanade (the street) and not The Esplanade (the name of the venue).  There was some pretty nice ocean-front real estate over on The Esplanade and I got a chance to practice navigating side streets while grinding down my clutch plate and swearing.  On a side note if you have some financial scam that involves taking advantage of Platinum Blonde 50-ish upper middle class, Ozempic-ravaged women  wearing active wear and North Face puffer vests while walking stupid made up abomination dogs like Cavoodles, I can heartily recommend The Esplanade (the street) of Geelong.  There must have been 20 of them on a couple of blocks.⁷  I eventually found my way to the venue just before kick off and we got down to business.

Round 4: Every Step is Forward, Tristan Smith (Ironjawz), LOSS 25-6

There is an immutable law that says anytime you travel for an event you will play someone who lives five minutes from you so I inevitably drew Tristan as my round 4 opponent.⁸  Tristan is a veteran gamer running a pretty gnarly Ironjawz list so I was always going to have to take some chances to win this one.    He gave me first turn so I put my buffs up, moved my bats out to score surround and destroy and dropped Lady Annika into his backfield to interfere with Smashing and Bashing.  Unfortunately I had only played against Ironsunz at least a dozen times and clean forgot about their counter charge, parking my sacrificial bats next to a unit of pigs.  Tristan needed a 4 inch charge to wipe them out and only managed a 3.

Missed it by that much

The stage was set for the ladies to swing into action but that was the last bit of luck I had.  An unrendable Neferata managed to fail 6 out of 8 saves from a Megaboss, including double ones on two 6-damage hits from Destroyer.  I did win turn 2 priority and try to scrape something back but the girls managed a string of miscasts, failed saves and failed charges and it all went tits up.  I called it turn 2 when Lauka Vai was unceremoniously butchered by the Maw Krusha to spare myself the tedium of being tabled.  It was a pretty comprehensive win for Tristan who did exactly what he needed to do and well done to him.

The massacre did leave me a lot of free time to eat a leisurely breakfast and the chance to wander the hall and annoy the other players.  Besides hovering and asking the score I like to practice the three irritating habits of spectators:

1. Starting off-topic conversations with one of the active players.  “Say did you see the new FEC releases, they’re not bad, how big do you reckon the new ghoul Mortarch is?”
2. Delivering unasked for witticisms about the game.  “With an hour on the clock and one Mega left on the table I reckon you’ve got this Fletch.”
3. Making audible wincing noises when someone moves a model.

It is a fairly obnoxious pastime but we all have to do our part to keep gaming traditions alive.   After another fine lunch I was ready for round 5.

Round 5: Power Flux, Kyle Ward (Slaanesh Godseekers), WIN 23-12

The Dice Gods smiled on me and delivered a terrific opponent for round 5.  Kyle is an old hand on the wargaming scene coming back after a few years off and is a great guy to sling dice with.  We laughed right the way through the game and I never played an opponent who was so hyped about freaky dice rolls and abilities going my way. 

Random one for the Gargant lovers

Kyle was running Slaanesh Godseekers with nothing but unique heroes in accordance with his theory that command traits and artefacts are overrated.  He had an awesome list with Glutos, the Masque, Synessa and Sigvald and a Warshrine.   I explained the concept of the single ladies doing their thing an we sort of got behind it for all of our unique heroes and had an amazing game.

Kyle took first turn and used his Godseeker move to send a juiced up Sigvald across the table into Neferata with a 3d6 inch charge from the Warshrine.  He rerolled the initial 9 to charge into a 16 giving the glorious golden bastard 16 attacks, which left Neffy on 4 wounds thanks to some lucky saves.  Neffy struck back leaving Sigvald on one wound which was taken from him by a pack of zombies.  Not the worst thing to ever happen to Sigvald, but still pretty damn funny.

The Single Ladies rolled into action and it all came together despite a few ups and downs. By turn 3 Ivya didn’t manage to kill a monster but she did use her goofy “Counts as 10 models on an objective within 3 inches of a monster” to steal an objective by 10 models to 9, so that was triumph enough for her.  Lady Annika took two points of armor off Glutos with the Blade Probiscan while she and Lauka Vai nerfed him and kicked the crap out of him.  On the other side of the ledger Sigvald had done his thing, Glutos was being tougher than nails and Synessa, for the first time in Kyle’s memory, got her signature spell to work, which enabled the Masque to tear Ivya to shreds.  It was a game for some pretty marginal specials to do their thing.

Bottom of turn 3 Neferata made it around to Glutos to join Annika and Lauka Vai in Thelma and Louising the crap out of the poor bastard.  By the end he was at -1 to wound, -1 to damage, -2 to his armor and -1 to his rend but I like to think he was enjoying the prolonged agony of his demise.  The last dice roll of the game was for the insta-kill from Neferata’s Dagger of Jet which finally came up a five. 

The ladies in action, teamwork makes the dream work

Kyle was cheering with me and it was the perfect note to end what really was the sort of game I set out to have when I put the list together.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I had such ridicullously pure fun playing AOS. 

Conclusion

The event was deservedly won by local stalwart and Team Australia member Nathan Thompson whose KO beat Lazlo Nedanovski’s Nurgle and came away as the only 5-0 which is always a plus.  Destro-sexuals from the Craichouse will be delighted to learn Lachlan Mackenzie came in 3rd with Brodd’s Stomp.⁹  Followers of the Australian scene will be unsurprised that Keiren Coates managed another hard fought 4-1 with his Skaven.

Matty Peter with his best painted Lumineth

All in all it was a great tournament and a solid end to the competitive year for AOS.  The weekend was a good reminder that despite all the endless whining about GW.¹⁰, the foolish twitter beef, idiotic scandals and unwelcome skirmishes in the culture wars, it’s a great hobby.  The Geelong guys, the Victorian scene and the AOS community in general are awesome. 

As for me I had a bit to think over as I pointed the War Wagon towards home.  At 3-2 with a couple of fun games and the cinematic moments in the last one from All the Single Ladies was a qualified success.  I’m probably still not the guy to be running concept lists but I’m glad I keep trying.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to show up and just have fun without being so goddam sweaty about the results.  But it won’t be next week. Measured Gaming club championships are on, I’m defending my title and there are a bunch of trifling loudmouth motherfuckers who could use a sharp reminder about their place in the pecking order.

1. And why wouldn’t you be? ↩︎
2. The special commentary is a half pissed me talking all the way through the movie. Did you know that besides Arnie and Jessie Ventura becoming state Governors the big Native American guy Sonny Landham also ran for State Governor in Kentucky? How freaky is that, never mind the whole Jean Claude Van Damme thing. ↩︎
3. Apparently this guy’s artistic schtick is to take photo’s of himself falling off things. Good luck to him I suppose, it’s better than Formaldehyde Shark Guy. ↩︎
4. I told the story to my 70 year old mother who was quite pleased to note that I had my first fall before she did. Bless her. ↩︎
5. Genuinely one of the nicest guys you will ever meet, Coots really did put in some work on the weekend. ↩︎
6. The special commentary was me yelling insults at the screen. I really can’t abide The 300. “Oooh, look go into slow motion, then speed right up, you’re a genius filmmaker Zach! Meet the Spartans was a better movie.” (It was too.) ↩︎
7. Not that I have anything against dogs, wealthy people, 50-ish women or Ozempic. I’d be a lot better off with all four of those things in my life. It was just odd. ↩︎
8. He wasn’t thrilled about it either. ↩︎
9. He also killed Teclis with a piece of hurled terrain in his first game just for the lols. ↩︎
10. Which I acknowledge makes up 90% of my blog output and a fair chunk of my general conversation. ↩︎

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