Not those type of models

We’ve all been there. A unit craps out. Whiffs all its attacks, launches a special ability that does nothing and dies to a hit from a strand of wet lettuce and you have this conversation.

“What? Is that all it does?”

“Yeah, they’re pretty shit.”

“Damn, such a cool model though.”

“Oh they’re awesome, I had to get one but … yeah”

“Yeah …. shame.”

Or you’re walking by someone’s table at an event and you spot a unit.

“Oh shit, is that a unit of something or another? I don’t think I’ve ever seen them before.”

“Yeah I painted ’em up, figured I may as well bring them to an event.”

“They any good?”

“They’re not terrible, just expensive and you’re way better off taking X unit that appears in every list written for the faction.”

“Fair enough, awesome paint job.”

“Thanks, it’s a shame you don’t see more of them.”

Age of Sigmar has some of the coolest models ever designed for tabletop wargaming, hands down. There is a prevailing belief that the newest and best-looking models get the best rules so Games Workshop will sell a bunch of them, but this is one of those prejudices that doesn’t stack up to reality. There are a host of new and cool models that you won’t ever see much for a variety of reasons; the entire range of Nighthaunt have had rules underwhelming enough to nearly banish them from the table at various points, including a decent stretch of AOS2 not long after their full-range refresh.

With this in mind we at the Craichouse decided to churn out another Listicle to fill the yawning void of content while we wait for a new GHB to hopefully deliver us from the current ennui of list building tedium. As always when I churn out one of these articles, I enlisted the help of the Craichouse Patreons to lighten the workload. Their suggestions don’t typically amount to much, but even a blind pig digs up an acorn once in awhile. Plus, Editor Pete feels that throwing them a bone once in a while helps to soothe the sort of Diva-like egos that make Diana Ross attending the Met Gala look as austere as the late Pope Francis’s bedroom.¹

“I guess you could call that a fancy dress”

The original plan for the article was to focus on cool models with dogshit rules but that ruled out a lot of contenders. There are plenty of awesome models with ok rules that don’t make it to the table because of points, or lacking a defined battlefield role, or because they exist in the same universe as Be’Lakor. So we’ve broadened the scope, but I am sticking to one firm rule:

No Pre-AOS models

We all have our favorites from the good old days. Games Workshop made some awesome Glotkin style kits that hold up to this day. People still have a thing for Steam Tanks. Hobbyists can still do amazing things with the classic Black Dragon kit. The Craichouse Destro-Sexuals trade images of Arachnarok Spiders like hairy-palmed teenagers from the early days of the interweb. Ogor players, myself included, share an absurd fondness for the old Maneater sculpts. Well tough luck. AOS is 10 years old and some of the kits people ramble on about are old enough to vote.² If you think Ghorghons are that awesome, go play with them in The Old World with the rest of the hipster nerds. It’s time to move on³.

No 5: Clawlord on Gnawbeast

A nice bit of Rat on Rat action. This may not be everybody’s pick for the coolest model but for a starter box piece, it’s an impressive example of what AOS can do. I like it for incorporating so many classic Skaven elements: armor, trophy rack, embedded warpstone and putting it on such a new type of starved-looking mount. Seriously, the Gnawbeast looks like it’s about to drop dead.

Unfortunately this bad boy just doesn’t do all that much. He’s not particularly tough, fast or hard hitting. His support ability is ass and the Skaven just don’t seem to have any pressing need for Clawlords when a Grey Seer delivers so much more at a cheaper price. It’s been nearly a year and I still haven’t seen one of these things assembled and painted, and I own two of them.

This guy is also a great representative of a particular branch of the fabled AOS started box curse that sees the release of awesome mounted heroes that never really amount to much. The Dracoth boss who became Vandus, The Mounted Knight of Souls guy, the living meme that is the Killaboss on Gnashtooth, the Stormcast in the Vermintide box whose name I’ve already forgotten. They were all pretty cool models made to sell the damn game and none of them ever got more than a brief moment in the sun.

4: Harbinger of Decay

I don’t think I need to do much to sell the quality of this model. Enough people have rhapsodized about the design work, the posing, the integration of the classic original model, etc etc. This bad boy was easily the best release of the Dawnbringers era.

Unfortunately after a few incarnations there has never really been a good reason to put him on the table. He started in 3rd Ed as an overcosted Priest with no Prayer lore, a shit warscroll Prayer and a dubious special ability; then he migrated to 4th Ed as an overcosted Priest with no Prayer lore, a shit warscroll Prayer, no access to generic Prayers and an indifferent special ability.

Like a lot of underused models, the times do not suit him. When his points finally dropped such that you might consider him as an artefact-carrier, the Field Sergeant rules were introduced making him even more comparatively useless. The heroes of the True Chaos Gods tend to be overcosted, possibly because GW thinks we still have awesome allegiance abilities, but I have no idea why this guy retails at 150pts.

Like most of the models in the list you just can’t help but wonder why it doesn’t have better rules or a decent Regiment of Renown for that matter. People would love to paint this thing. There is a chance he is still paying for the sins of earlier incarnations. The original Harbinger of Decay was the guy who gave Mortal Nurgle troops their 5++ Ward and he showed up in every list like a Khornate Bloodsecrator.

None of that wholly within crap in the Good Old Days

3: Irridan the Witness/Lord Vigilant on Morrgryph

Oh for fuck’s sake. I originally had the excellent Stormcast Griffon thing that I still haven’t seen on the table in this spot, but the recent Scourge of Ghyran upgrades mean we are going to be seeing more of this kit than Be’Lakor and Karazai in the very near future. Trying to write about lacklustre Order units quicker than GW hands them major buffs is a tough race to be in.

3: Lauka Vai/Vengorian Lord

Lets see what he have here. Awesome new variant for the Undead, utilizing a different strain of Vampiric influences backed by some excellent Lore writing.⁴ The kit is spectacular and fairly unique in the range of beast-human hybrids with a massive body that leaves the humanish half as the focal point of the model. Overall a rare entry in the range of mid-size monster heroes. They just don’t make many models with this sort of table presence on an 80mm base. Also, unusual for being well integrated onto its tactical rock.

The rules were ok on release.⁵ Not world beaters, but both units had their own subfaction, artefacts, spells and abilities for a decent Timmy Monster Mash. Lauka Vai herself was tough and versatile enough to throw into other factions. With the good Vampiric healing and a 3+ save they were natural tanks. Not amazing, but you did see them around a bit and if you loved the model you weren’t eating shit by putting it on the table.

4th Ed was an unlucky time for the Avengori as they fell victim to general changes and specific SBGL nerfs. Both units lost movement and went from that crucial 3 + save to a dicey 4+, and they got a massive dick-kicking with the weakening of Vampric healing. They still buff monsters, but the monsters themselves are fairly shit and don’t spam well thanks to once-a-turn Rampages. SBGL don’t have a plurality of viable builds and these units have no place in the ones that do work. You just don’t see them any more, and their 4th Ed battletome doesn’t look like changing that anytime soon. Mind you, they are the perfect candidate for a Ghyran GHB update.

2: The Black Coach

Update: Another L for Pat. GW has updated this one too, and you can eat shit because it took you way too long to get this whole thing written up. At least these Scourge of Ghyran updates are hitting the right notes and the units people care about. ~ Pete

A bit of an unusual choice for No: 2 because you do see a few Black Coaches around. Not many, but they aren’t exactly Unicorns. To my mind that’s purely an indication of how much dedicated Nighthaunt players love this awesome model because its rules have typically been pretty marginal over its lifespan.

The Black Coach of earlier editions had an uncanny ability to look good on paper but suck in practice⁶ and looking back for this article, the warscrolls do still seem decent to the eyeball test. Well 4th Ed solved that problem and the Black Coach is a shitpile that managed to miss a spot in The Great Nighthaunt Supremacy. It does have a unique ability to return a dead foot hero but that only works if you can find an enemy unit weak enough to destroy. Good luck.

I’m no Nighthaunt expert, but aren’t all their good heroes UNIQUE anyway?

The shame of it is not only is it an amazing model, it’s a showcase of what only Games Workshop can do with plastic kits. Resin this, 3D print that, blah blah blah; only Gee Dubs can produce these sorts of models on any scale. We are accustomed to the high standard of modern miniatures but for someone who bought his first models in the 1980s, this may as well be a Hoverboard.

Honourable Mentions

The Craichouse Patreons had a bunch of suggestions which I knocked back because they keep trolling me about being an old man who doesn’t play on TTS or understand Teams selection. Abraxia was an excellent choice that missed out because she’s not bad, just overpriced and not Be’Lakor. Tahlia and Pontifex Zenestra were also excellent nominations but I felt it was Cities of Sigmar that sucked, not their particular scrolls.⁷ The Mangler Squig certainly earned a spot but got cut because Gloomspite Gitz are the Hulk Hogan to my Iron Sheik.

I would like to include one future pick:

I just have a feeling this awesome model is going nowhere. The non-Vhordrai version is the 5+ save Temu variant of the Zombie Dragon no one takes anyway. The Vhordrai version costs extra without doing much more than the current warscroll that no one takes anyway. People keep talking up the AOR but I’m not seeing it. Barring some major changes in the GHB this one feels like it’s headed for the shelf. So the number one pick is [drum roll]….

No 1: Spawn of Chotec

It’s an unusual choice for the No. 1 spot. Not the best or flashiest model and both of my regular readers know I wouldn’t wipe my ass on a Seraphon unit, and not just because they are spikey. I don’t just hate playing against Seraphon, I genuinely find the range to be crap. Unimaginative cartoon lizards that typically arrive with garish, poorly-thought-out paint schemes courtesy of rushed jobs from the netlisting Spikes who are drawn to the faction like ambitious flies to a particularly pungent lump of shit.

Still, this model represents some good decision-making on the part of Games Workshop. For years we suffered playing against Seraphon Artillery consisting of Salamanders and Razordons. Not only did they have typically busted Lizard rules but they were some of the ugliest models in the game and we had to look at them year in, year out.

If you find yourself getting nostalgic for this, seek professional help

Games Workshop did the right thing, threw us a bone and replaced both of these eyesores with a new kit that is actually pretty good. I’m no lizard lover but it’s bigger, detailed, has a winning smile and with those big flat sail fins it should be a good chance to showcase the hobbyist’s art. If we have to play against the Seraphon this would be a nice model to look at instead of having to gaze upon 1000 Kroaks.

Unfortunately the Spawn of Chotek has a truly miserable warscroll, the only bad one in the Seraphon index. It’s not just bad by Seraphon standards, it’s terrible by artillery standards. For 120 points you get 8 wounds with a 5 up save and one decent shot hitting on 4’s. Or you get 5 short ranged 1 damage shots. They do put on a save debuff, but who cares? The Khorne Skull Cannon is better than this thing, and Khorne players would rather play 170 points under and take the extra Command Point in turn one than run a Skull Cannon.

I know that Seraphon having a shit warscroll is not going to spill a lot of beer in the AOS community but it’s not like the experience of playing against them is improved by not having artillery on the table. It just means we get more Kroak, stupid Kroxigor and ugly-ass Skinks riding chickens. I’d take one of these friendly fellows over yet another unit of goddam Chameleon Skinks any day.

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1. Two topical references in one sentence. You wouldn’t get that from AI. ↩︎
2. Unless they need ID, check with your local election authorities. ↩︎
3. Ghorghons are still one of the all-time kits for bits though. Along with the Aleguzzler. ↩︎
4. Dynasty of Monsters, some of the better AOS Hammer Porn ↩︎
5. I’m not counting the 2nd Ed release as the book was barely out before 3rd Ed. ↩︎
6. I realize skilled players did well with them from time to time, but generally speaking. ↩︎
7. They both showed up in Worlds lists as well, so there. ↩︎

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