When Ray van Barneveld beat Phil Taylor 7-6 in the 2007 PDC World Darts final, uniting both championships, darts fans believed they were in for a decade of titanic clashes between the two. But it didn’t work out that way – Taylor dominated Barney, winning 9 of the subsequent 10 major finals they would meet in. It was one-way traffic.
Similarly, every time Collingwood plays Carlton, I feel nervous all week, and for what? We always flog them. We see a similar story with State of Origin: Maroons vs Blues, almost comically competitive, and yet the Queenslanders have won 15 of the last 20 series.
So sometimes the greatest rivalries aren’t actually all that competitive, and I’m rapt that I’ve managed to illustrate that point without even mentioning England’s capitulation in The Ashes1. Well, we set a little hobby contest in the PC Discord and it turned out to be quite the landslide: let’s hear it for Chris Riley who won the Doing Terrible Things to Johann Challenge, hands down.
Who did the what now?
We set a conversion challenge to do terrible things to Johann and Johann-Adjacent minis2. Have the poor little fella boiling in a pot, getting bitten in half, do what you need to do. It was inspired by Aussie Wargamer’s grotesque masterpiece, and if you didn’t have a Johann in your bits box, you could use any similar goober you wanted.
This was primarily a hobby competition as opposed to a painting comp – it was about cracking out the hobby saw like a 1980s stage magician, where Johann is the hot woman in the bikini – but Chris’s giants do also happen to be really nicely painted, which never hurts.
Honourable mentions
First up we have Furythrow’s effort, showing that there’s no respite for the poor bugger even in the 41st millenium:
I also did one of my own, just to take part:
Don’t worry mate, I’m sure it’ll all turn out fine
And just for fun, here’s Aussie Wargamer’s tribute to Ray Gun:
And the winner is…
Let’s take a moment to appreciate the blood-spattered chaos of Chris’s winning work.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen somebody explore the disgusting mess that is implied by the name “Warstomper” with this kind of relish.
Chris calls this scene “Our weapons are useless”:
Yup. Chris is a top-tables gamer, with a proven record of winning on hard mode:
So not only is Chris a champion wargamer, he’s an elite hobbyist too. He probably rides to work on a Harley Davidson, long hair flowing in the wind, heading to the lab where he cures cancer and solves the challenge of nuclear fusion, before detouring on his way home to rescue some orphans from a burning building. Oh, to spend a day in his above-average-sized shoes.
The Prize
Well done mate. Your prize is an Aussie care package 🥳
When I first went to Queensland in 2003, I was warned that if you see a Cassowary in the wild, they are not to be trifled with.
They’ve got real aura as long as they are treated with the respect they have earned as an animal that’s been around for 60 million years. Real, living dinosaurs. And now Chris has the socks.
I’m a bit of a sucker for weird merch and when I had a look around the chook shed at the Kyneton Show this year, I had to pick up one of these hats. At least it proves that our hobby is (at worst) the second nerdiest thing going.
And then we hit the sugar and salt. Cadbury is a venerable English brand but they have a couple of unique items in the Aussie range. When I send Black Forest and Snack back to the UK, they are the biggest thing my nephews fight over. I’m not normally one for milk chocolate, but these are elite.
You can’t put together an Aussie care package without the legendary Tim Tams. Now do the Tim Tam Slam.
When you’re having an ice cold beer, nothing beats blasting your pallet with crunchy salt, and Shapes are a classic of the genre. The perfect combo to nip any unwanted weight loss right in the bud.
So thanks to the people who entered, congratulations to Chris and I hope you enjoy the snacks. We’ll be doing another comp for our members soon, this time writing a special warscroll, so keep your eyes out for that one.
Have a good weekend, nerds – see you on the other side.
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*Arguably a bit rather than a mini, but if so, he’s the greatest bit of all-time.
Plastic Craic 